Monday, September 8, 2008

Conversation with Dave

I tried tricking him into eating pirogis, I know he will love them he just refuses to try them.
Me "Dinner is in the fridge. I made potato pockets with a dipping sauce"

Dave "Ooooohhhh, I like....."

about 5 minutes of silence followed by the closing of the refrigerator and a long sighhhhhhhhhh

Dave" I KNOW WHAT THESE ARE THESE ARE THOSE THINGS!!!! i HATE THOSE THINGS"

Me : You hate potatoes hmm news to me"

Dave: " NO, you know what these are. They're those things you know.."

Me "I have no idea what your talking about EAT THEM YOU WILL LIKE THEM"

Dave" OOHhhhhhh I CANT I just cant...I'm sorry, please do not make me eat them"

Me" Oh you think that they are perogis....nooo I just formed them in that half circle shape"

Dave "ohhh uhh nooo uhhh ohhh god no please i have had these before they made me puke I will puke right here if you make me eat them....uhhh I can't help me Jesus don't let her feed me these"

Me "You are quite possibly the worst polack out there."

Dave" I KNEW IT."

Friday, August 22, 2008

21 life lessons Learned by the age of 21

In no particular order....

1. Time heals all wounds, in the moment it may not feel like it will but it does.

2. The juice is worth the squeeze

3. Dorthy said it best "There is no place like home".

4. Take as many pictures as you can when you are old and senile you'll be happy you did.

5. Half the fun of a trip is getting there, so do stop and smell the roses along the way.

6. Pick your battles.


7. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So very very true.


8. Don't wait till your old and gray to be quirky and eccentric. Start now so you'll be a pro by
then.

9. A kiss does make it feel better.

10. Everything tastes better if you share it.

11. Those weird guys in school actually do grow up to be millionaires, so be nice to them.

12. Bad things happen to good people.


13. Everyone make mistakes.


14. Always give people a second chance, not a third or fourth.

15. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

16. Think before you speak . (still have a hard time with this one.)

17. never give up, never surrender

18. When there is an elephant in the room introduce it.

19. Don't wish your life away

20. Everyone needs a skip day now and then.

21. Flow with the Flow.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Meet the Bakers

Dave Baker is finally making an honest women outta me. We have been happily engaged for 2 weeks now. Im rocking some pretty fancy "bling" on my finger if I may say so....



I am sitting here on the couch blogging when I am suppose to be packing. Me and the fiance (that sounds so Cheese we need to come up with a better word here.) are going on vacation!...with his Dad's family. I'm not quit sure what to expect on this trip. What I can expect is to be called Amber, Lisa, Amy, & Sweetheart, because after 6 1/2 years of being around this family THEY STILL do not know my name....They even give me the cold shoulder out in public. I will say hello and they look at me like I am a complete stranger. Drr people, it's me Ashley there is a picture of me in your family calendar hanging up in your kitchen. When we get married They are all going to be there like aw she is a nice girl what ever happend to that other one amber?........AMBERS DEAD!

Monday, June 30, 2008

You got a PURTY MOUTH...

This past weekend I attended a Family reunion. More like a circus then a reunion. I have been abscent from the festivities for last 3 years. Because I am the oh holy protacal child who can do no wrong, I decided to grace the family with my prescence. let me give you a BREIF backround so you can paint a pretty little picture in your head.
My Grandpa is like 1 out of 15 kids. Living out in the middle of the Adirondacks with no Moving Picture Box, or People Magazine Subscription things get pretty boring I guess, and as a result of this he got 15 brothers and sisters. Ohhh my god my family is like the DUGGARDS!....oh god off topic... Anyway they are hillbillys and everytime I look at one I hear the music from delivernce playing on a continuous loop in my head. There was this one that use to follow me around with his camera my uncle and he would just take 100's of picture of me for his "Picture Book". He has not been since I stopped attending 3 years ago and thankfully he was not there Saturday. THen we have this women with 2 lazy eyes who IS OBSESSED with my mom. First off when I look at her I don't know where to look. One eye is looking North East and the other is looking somewhere West so I kind of aim north in between her eyebrow...Yes eyebrow singular. There is one. She named her daughter after my mom...Apparently the story goes..She was suppose to have a boy but when that sucker popped out it was a girl and the only name that came to her mind was AMY the name of her most favorite cousin. Just the thought of this women giving birth and the only thing getting her to pull throught was her favorite cousin AMY killed me...It's funny because they did not grow up together they don't hang out or talk on the phone...I dont even think my mom knows what this lady's name is to be honest. But every year she tells that story to anyone who will listen, and then she follows my mom around snapping pictures for "little amys picture book"....My moms "Namessake." hahahahhahahahaha........

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Happy Hump Day

Today has felt a little like Christmas around here..... The elderly man with dementia was humming jingle bells while he waited patiently for his wife during treatment....During this time he wished me a merry christmas 4 times, Let out 2 Ho ho ho *hack hack cough*, and a felize navidad. I had to humor this man...No one else does they all tell him he is crazy...So after every "Merry Christmas" I kindly replied with " SAme to you , or happy kwanza" just to mix it up a little. Adding to the Christmas spirit I recieved a few gifts today.....

2 VIP tickets to the special olympics
1 banana cream pie
1 mini rose bush
1 pair gardening gloves
3 green peace bumper stickers
1 choclate cupcake
1 pen with my name on it

and a partridge in a pair tree.

Don't hate.....at least the old lady stopped bringing in tubes of lube for me......ughhhhhhh funky.

Monday, April 21, 2008

NO FISH FOR YOU!!!!!!

Over the weekend my roomie and I went out to find a companion for our goldfish.....fish aka willy aka Pedro aka why don't you like me you goddamn fish stop swimming away from me.



We went to Petsmart..I usually enjoy this fine pet establishment...its clean the people are nice and the animals seem pretty happy and healthy. While we were in the fish section trying to scope out the perfect little buddy for our lonely fish at home...We finally came upon a very cute baby goldfish that was all orange with fins that looked like they were dipped in black paint on the tips. We found a girl that worked there to help us snag the little bugger. But before she even asked us which one we were bombarded with a million questions....



" Do you know a gold fish is related to a carp fish"

-why yes in fact i did....did you know they were domesticated in china and they evolved from a carp like a million years ago....take that fish lady

"Do you have an aerator" (why yes, yes i do)

"Well do you know what it does"

- Well I believe it makes bubbles in the water so our fine finned friend can breathe

This is when I start to loose patients.

"Well do you know they need 20 gallons per fish to survive"

bitch give me my god damn fish..... Is what I should have said but instead I replied with I had 2 gold fish a bowl WITHOUT an aerator and they lasted forever it was when I put them in a larger tank with an AERATOR that they died.

"Well congratulations".

It then turned into a 30 second stair down with her and I....Dave remained at my side laughing hysterical at the unbelievable display before his eyes.....I then pointed at the fish I wanted and said " I want THIS fish". So she read in and grabbed it put it in a bag handed it to me and said "Good luck".....after I paid for my little fishy and was walking out Dave said " You should have asked them how they can have 25 goldfish in a 10 gallon tank WITH AN AERATOR. I was so pissed he didn't bring that up earlier. Anyways we got him into his new home and renamed the old fish Simon and the new fish Garfunkel. We have recently come to the conclusion that they may in fact need a bigger tank...but I will be dammed if I go back to the fish department at Petsmart.

Friday, April 18, 2008

me me meeeeee

A little diddy I wrote my honey bun....

If I were a cookie then, you’d be my chip,
If you were a chip then I’d be your dip,
If you were the spring ,
then I know I’d be the rain
If you were a glove
I’d be your big ball of love

All I want is you, will you be my guy
I promise this is not another lie
All I want is you, will you be my guy
Take my hand in yours and lets learn how to fly

If you were the early bird, Id always be your worm,
Our love has no boundaries it doesn’t have terms
If I was a tub of popcorn you’d be my butter
The love I have for you make my stomach flutter
If you were a ice cream, then I’d be your sprinkles
If you were a star I’d be the twinkle

All I want is you, will be my guy
I promise this is not another lie
All I want is you, will you be my guy
Take my hand in yours and lets learn how to fly

If you were firefly then I’ll be your jar
Keeping you close so you don’t get to far
If you were a tree then I’ll be your leaves
Keeping you cool like a warm summers breeze
If you were the sea, then I’d be the waves
I’ll just be your Ashley, and you be my Dave

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Golden Years??--- My Ass

If you have read my blog before you understand the fact that I get my fair share of craziness on a daily basis...Today's craziness comes from the old fogey community. Here are a few snippets of my conversations with them today......


9 am with Helen.

H- "I can't Make my appointment today, I'm sick"

Me- " Sorry to hear that I hope that I hope your okay"

H- "Well sweetheart I got 2 pairs of underwear on, because the diarrhea is so bad. On top of that I keep UPCHUCKING all over the house."

Me- "........" " Uhhh.... ..... Feel better BYE"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
( To get the real essence of my conversation with bob you have got to picture the tiniest little white haired man with a booming southern twang...)

B - "SO I done can't go out walkin no more. Due to this here leg of mine."

Me- (Let me start by saying Bob had'nt said a word to me since he had gotten here..40 mins ago and comes out of left field with this interesting convo)
" Well bob, that sucks you should get one of those rascal things. "
B- " I think its a corn that is hurting me.."

Me- " .........hmmm...ouch"

B - " Actually the foot man said that it is my bone sticking out through the bottom wanna take a gander"

Me ( trying not to "upchuck") "Bob you need to keep your foot in your shoe away from me on the other side of the counter ."

Bob's wife went out shopping after her treatment and left him here....he fell asleep with his mouth wide open...snoring.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Helen called back later in the day to update me? WTF man.

H- " The diarrhea has stopped a little, the Upchucking is still pretty nasty"

Me- ".................(ughhh) Well maybe you should get off the phone and rest"

H-" Well call me back in a few hours to check on me ok? will you do that? Will you call me back?"

Me- ( is she kidding?....It's the flu lady you made it through the depression a war the 70's I'm sure you will survive a stomach bug)....I will have the doc give ya a call in a bit...."

Joe can handle this one for a while.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lastly john

J-" You watch 60 mins"

ME-"ehh sometimes why..." (why...always my first mistake)

J-" Andy Rooney can go and shove something up his you know what"

Me- whheeww oh no you didn't......

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

No Assembly required

I will never ever buy another piece of furniture that has to be put together AGAIN. 3 hours later my high top table and 4 high top charis are assembled.......Why did it take so long you may ask, Well you silly internet I put it together in the living room so I could watch The Real World and when I went to carry it into the kitchen it didnt fit through the doorway so I had to take it apart again and get it in there. A little advice from me......do not mix wine and furniture assembly at 12:00am.....the 2 just don't mix well

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

HOLY. CRAP. BATMAN.

So I got an email today about my blog from an editor at....ELLE magazine www.ELLEGIRL.com. They like me they really like me. I can hardly contain my self I don't know weather or not to pee my pants from excitement, or puke. This editor said that they could be interested in WORKING with ME.....uh helllllooo how stellar would that be? It is taking all the strength I have to not call her back at the number she gave me. At this point I would probably pay them to let me blog for there site/magazine. So, I have to hold off until I get off this natural high and get my head together, so I can talk business. Keep your fingers crossed.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

It's all down hill from here.....

8:00am My first patients comes shuffling through the door with her walker and plastic bag covering here new hair do. She is about 70 and can hardly move. She has a hump on her back and toots every time she takes a step....pleasent....As she makes her way over to my desk she reaches into her gym bag. Yes, she has started to lug around a gym bag with her everywhere she goes. She keeps it filled with magazines on animal rights, Greek recipes, and random literature. Because you never know when you may run into a hungry Greek man looking for literature on hearing aides who also is ill informed on the growing rates of animal kill shelters....... whheww....anyway getting off topic here.....so she rummages into her large bag of crap and pulls out a copy of a article from a magazine hands it to me and says..."I think this will do you some good". So as with the other pamphlets I receive I toss it on my desk stick her in a room and head back to see what she brought in....I started reading it and it is all about how I have reached my peak in life at age 21 and its all down hill from here.....WOW this is exactly what I want to be hearing while half asleep and a little hungover from a long night of guitar hero and drinks with friends. The article goes on to say that I am loosing flexibility and my bone mass is already depleting. It said my brain is loosing fluid around it and my memory will start to decline in a few years......??????....What the hell. It said that by age 20 your calcium levels start dropping, and I should be taking supplements. Supplements I'm freaking 21 i don't need to be taking supplements. Next it will be saying I need to start drinking boots or ensure. If that isn't goddamn depression I don't know what is. There was also a lot of other crap in their that I really couldn't choke down that early in the morning. I shredded the article and went to the gas station up the road to get a vitamin water, because you know now that I'm becoming an old hag I should try and get vitamins anywhere I can. Upon my return back to work I called my mom told her the lovely news, and asked her if she wanted a copy....hehehe. When the old lady came out and asked me what I thought I said "Helen, that was too goddamn depression for 8 in the morning. I would much rather of gotten another freaking baklava recipe"

Friday, February 29, 2008

Quick update

I receive a few emails asking why I haven't posted in awhile...people wondering if I am dead. Well I am in fact not dead and very much alive. No need to fret people. SO I will give you a Little update of what has been going on lately.........

Paintball....Is right up there with dodge ball, cruel and just plain mean. Dave and I played over the past weekend. These were the thoughts running through my head at the time- 1. why would you want to shoot your friends. - 2. If I curl up into a ball maybe they will feel bad for me and not shoot me - 3. why the bloody hell does my mask keep fogging up and I cannot see anything li
terly nothing. -4. where the hell is Dave so I can shoot his ass up for dragging me here. - 5. IM OUT I'M OUT!!!! DON'T SHOOT!!!! ...as you would probably figure this didn't end well for me... 50 cents go nothing on this Bi-atch I got shot over 10 times and I am alive to talk about it.

A soccer mom had a nervous break down in the middle of the waiting room at work...Full blow Brittney spears moment.....crying laughing screaming...THEN!!!! I got her into a room Joe went in to start treatments he opened the door and she was standing there in nothing but her birthday suit...butt ass naked. She then looked at him and said does this look good to ya?????? She flashed her VA jay jay.. Joe muttered a slew of Chinese and left the room....I don't think she'll becoming back.

Dave has been OBSESSING about buying some sort of plant for the apartment. He has never ever showed any interest in plants or nature for that matter so I am a little confused. I picked up a shamrock plant and he told me that in fact it was not a plant just a ploy for me to keep his polish roots down and rub my irishness in his face........?????????..... Yea.. sure bud, what ever you say I all about suppressing your polack-ness..... he cracks me up.

I have a very exciting fun filled weekend.....and sadly it does not include a bottle of The CAPTAIN or margaritas. CURTAIN SHOPPING....oh yea... I'm going crazy.... but you can bet your ass I wont be paint balling with Dave.

she's might mighty just letting it all hang out.

Quick recap of the day....



Soccer mom has full blow britney spears like break down.



after getting her to stop crying/laughing hystarically I get her into a room. She proceeds to get on her cell phone, and verbally attack the poor time warner cable people about over charging her for her monthly service.....becasue ya know now is a great time to take care of that. I leave her in the room with some water and a box of tissues.....



The crying stops...all I hear is a long stream of sniffles from my desk...Joe enters her room to start her treatment.



The door slams....and a slew of chinese cursing is heard from down the hall....*great*

Crazy Bee-otch takes her pants off and flashes joe her va jay jay....I gurantee she doesn't come back again.

Monday, February 18, 2008

hold on is today Friday???

So, I woke up in a hurry. Ran into the bathroom started getting ready (without my glasses on, because I fell asleep with them on so they were lost somewhere in the abyss of blankets and pillows.) Smeared on a little make up threw my hair up in a claw got dressed and ran out the door. Got to work oh about 10min late...hmm not too bad. Im doing my usually routine surfing the web getting rooms and charts together, and I notice that some patients are giving me some strange looks. nothing out of the ordinary I thought so I continue on with my morning. Joe was late also so I barely saw him at all this morning. so about 20 mins ago one of my favorite patients came in, and yes I can have favorites and give them special privallges, because frankly the rest of these people that come in are rude and piss me off. She is an 80 year old lady who does karate and is just so wonderfully cute you want to pick her up and squeeze her until she pops. I restrain my self from doing this becasue, I figure it would be frowned upon. She reminds me alot of my marney (my great grandmother, who was a 4'10 ball of fire that could light up a room) Anyways she comes and sits next to me at my desk takes one look at me and yells "Oh my sweetpea what did you do to your nose? did someone hit-cha want me to teach ya a few moves" and Im all what are you talking about.....So i get up look in the mirror and sure enough....I have one of those breathe strip things on my nose that I forgot to take off from last night, because I woke up in a hurry, and couldn't find my glasses making me totally blind....It was like one big domino effect...and FYI those breathe strips are a total piece of crap....they dont do anything. I was still all stuffy when I woke up this morning... can't wait to see what else the day shall bring

Friday, February 15, 2008

strike 3 your out

Over the past few weeks I have had some issues while at our lovely local gas stations.
A few weeks ago I went to quick fill a full service gas station where they pump it for you...Sweet luxury if you ask me. So I see the mile long line and the one poor guy working the pump. Annoyed, but this does not deter me, the thought of getting out in the sub negative temperatures is enough to make you cringe. So I get in line behind all the other cold lazy SOB's and patiently wait for the creepy dude. Once it is my turn to pull up I roll down the window and politely ask for 20$. He obliged and started to fill it up...then walked away to get a few other cars going. After a while he comes back...and I got out 25$ (5$ for a tip) and he said 52$....."....well here ya go have a good night stay warm I say" I figured that he had just gotten me confused with another car so I gave him a wad of cash and went on my merry way. The further I got down the road the higher my little gas needle climbed. By the time I got home it was full. I contemplated heading back but in the end I decided that I am a nice person and deserve a break once and awhile in life. (I have not been back to this gas station since in fear that they will get me.)
Fast-forward a few weeks.
I pull into the Hess in the freezing cold snow storm (I would normally got to quick fill but ya know...) and I stick my card in the pump.... it doesn't read it, and tells me to make my FIRST trip inside.... The incompetent blonde dirty girl says, "Give it another go." FINE...back out I go. I get to the Pump and nothing...BACK INSIDE I go. "Well how about you prepay" where her words of wisdom. FINE. 20$ dollars on my bank card......back outside. I start to pump and then it stopped every 10 cents. What the fuck??...Back in the goddamn Hess station......."ITS NOT WORKING" "ok well pick a different pump she says" "FINE" and I stomp back outside... I pull ahead to the next pump Throw in 20 bucks and start to pull away......All of a sudden this crazy blonde mess comes running outside waving a phone in the air screaming at me. So I stop, she starts banging on the window...by this point I am praying too little baby Jesus to give me the strength not to beat her with my gas cap... "I’m gonna call the police you need to come inside and pay again ra ra ra ra" This retard FORGOT I PRE PAID.... So I had a little badger attack on her and let her have it...and after my screaming match with the gas station attendant she in formed that "This was strike one, and one more strike I will be banned from the Hess." Like there aren’t 4 other gas stations on this road. A real big loss to me here. I called her crazy whore got back in the car and was on my way home.....

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

shhhh....

video

Krikey, we have just spotted the North American white boy doing his unusual mating dance. You must not be to loud so we don't startle him. The North American White Boy or I like to refer to him as N.A.W.B. He enjoys burger king meals KING SIZED, Beer, and video games. His dislikes include spiders any form of housework and all reality shows.

I wonder how he would feel if he knew I posted this video of him I secretly taped. hahahaha. This is what he gets for not reading my blog. Don't ya love the dance clothes? hahaha I have a few others to come.

Monday, February 11, 2008

I feel pretty, Oh so pretty


This is pretty Mirror I picked up at Target from their global bazaar collection for like $40.00. I love the starburst design and the shawdows the mother of pearl circles casts on the wall. I even hung It up all by myself......3 screws and 5 holes later it was up. Im sure the neighbors upstairs appreciated the thud of the electric screw drviver slamming into the wall and the cursing everytime I attempted a new screw. Dave HATES it, oh well. I guess I would be questioning our relationship if he got as gitty about it as I did.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Local Yokel

As any other friday starts I am sitting at my desk surfing the latest gossip news when this old farmer-esk man came barreling in the door like a tornado. He was a tiny little man about 70 with a scruffy beard and an accent that remsembled someone right out of the show king of the hill.

"The name is WILLY, put ER there sweetheart."

For the love of god here we go....it must be friday I think to myself.

"Now-a I done got this here paper from the lawyers down in the big city buildings"

(reffering to binghamton..big city...ha)

So I took a gander at his paper work...this hillbilly talk is contagious)....once I told him that his appointment here was canceld a week ago he rambled off into a slew off "WELL-a god dang im gonna takem them there guys and im gonna god dang punch-em in-dar slick hair style did heads....

"you go with your bad self WILLY"

and just like that he spun out of here muttering to himself under his breath how he was gonna take em city boys and go like dis er er errr.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

how YOU doing

Out with my brother last night...and we went to the drive through window at Taco Bell.....(mmmm quesadillas)..... We pull up to the window after what seemed like an eternity of waiting for my crispy little pocket of love....(mmm quesadillas).... he looks at the man and says...."Well, what took so long junior???"

I lost it laughing...You know the kind, the silent shaking tear filled hope you dont pee your pants kind of laugh. He is his funniest when he does not try. The kid cracks me up.


Upon dropping him off he sits in my passenger seat he lets one ripp, looks at me and yells "how YOUUUU doing"?...and departs from my car. Ah yes, family....

Monday, February 4, 2008

Further More

I was persuing my usual news this morning... Perezhilton.com tmz.com cbsnews.com news.yahoo.com and the BBC news when I cam across a story on the BBC about the British...these are my people..as are the Irish....but anyway They polled 5,000 (british people in england) people and asked them questions....they asked if they thought CHRUCHILL was real or a myth.....and 47% said myth................... more then half thought sherlock holmes was real??? really people are you kidding me? If my great grandfather (POP) was alive he would have had a heart attack when he heard this, and then he would have written a strongly worded letter that would come to an end with the words "further more" . Really Britian are you serious. I am a little embarressaed here for my people...all I can say is atleast Im not polish. (sorry dave)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Death of a Salesmen

The local News paper can take there adds and shove them up there ass as far as I am concerned. They are so pushy and I so easily take the bait, and they have figured it out. They have been praying on me like a a big mean shark and a cute little baby seal. I was literally hiding from them today... I walked out to my car to go pick up lunch...and the pushy salesmen dude was sitting there in his little green caviler...he didn't notice me, sweet. But then I panicked got out of my car, because I thought he would see me in my car and get out and try and corner me. I also didn't want him knowing what type of car I drive.....he had to of seen me get out though, now that I think about it I must have looked like an idiot...I totally played it off like ohh mann I forgot my keys I better run back inside and fetch them... So I slipped through the back jack...and conveniently timed it so I went out the back door again as he came in the front...while all this was going down Joe was sitting at his desk asking me "what da hell is going on???" "Are you back yet u have my peperchonie pizza.. dat was fast" and I was all "SHHHHHhhhhhhh boss man quiet down" then I popped out the back door at the precise moment he entered the front...Joe almost blew my cover opening the door and yelling to me why you runn Ash-a-ree??? I then got to my car put it in reverse and started to back out of the parking lot ALL OF A SUDDEN (DA DA DAAAAAA) The Garbage Men Stopped right at the end of the parking lot blocking the driveway...I was trapped....so in Ashley fashion, I got out of the car walked my self right up to that stinky truck and told them to move it. Just as I pulled out he came strolling out and waved me over...I pretended like my phone rang and didn't notice him AH HA! Ashley 1 Salesmen 0...... Maybe next time buddy, but not today.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Papa's Got A Brand New Bag

-----Conversation with my roomie last night after he got home from work-------

Him " Whats all this crap" (referring to all the "crap" I had boughten earlier that night while he was at work...he he he)

Me "Oh just some more stuff I unpacked"

Him "YOu went shopping, this is new stuff....look this is still in plastic "

Me ".................."

Him " we dont need anymore crap"

me "this isn't crap its stuff I have had a wicked long, that thing in plastic was from christmas, it was a present"

him " ohh well its nice"

......he goes in the kitchen and starts to make something to eat and all of a sudden lets out a boysterous " AH HAaaaaaa.......new my ass, here is the box that UGLY mirror came in and more pastic from that new whatever that funky thing is...u are a pathalogical liar"

Me" Oh yea maybe i did buy that stuff....I forgot...Love ya Babe"

Him "........you think u know a person......now make me some food woman"

Me " GOOD LUUUCK"

just DANCE!

Dance Dance Revolution 2 is taking over my life. I am addicted. I can't get enough of this game. I am a Dancing fool, and proud of it. Saturday night started it off when we had an OLD SCHOOL DANCE OFF... let me just tell you... it was even more fun then it sounds. I will be uploading some video I took. Dave kicked my ass...I just don't have the coordination I guess. I also was trying so hard not to pee my pants from laughing....this could have thrown my game off a bit. SO Sunday I had Dan (my brother) come over and see if he was up to the challenge... He beat me to.. BUT, when it comes to speed and agility.......I'm the champ...I dance DANCED to the bangles walk like an Egyptian (don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) I did all the steps in 30seconds.......I set a goddamn world record with that one. They should put me in the Guinness book. So for all of you out there I dare you....no triple dog dare you to a dance DANCE challenge and try and beat my time.

Friday, January 25, 2008

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means bitches!

I can't seem to get any respect around here from the patients. Did they forget who I am, I'm the GODDAMN OFFICE MANAGER thats who I am bitches. Mannnnn, You can clearly see that I am on the phone with a patient, billing another one right infront of me, and taking Joes lunch order down...so is it really necessary to be standing there next to me going "ashley Ashley ASHLEYYYY!" For the love of god. You people are not small children. I am not your mommy, you don't need me to hold your hand so go sit down and wait your turn, and maybe if your good I will give you a gold star for the day....... I also love the ones that will stand there and stare you down until you acknowledge them, even though you are with someone else at that particular moment. Then you have the huffer and puffers, "Huhhhhhhhhhhh......SIghhhhhhhh.....errrrrrr" Hmmm maybe I should start mimicking them so they can see how foolish they really look. If you are so busy in your life that you cannot take 30 secs to sit down, you should reevaluate some things. I am so sorry that you have shown up 25mins before your appointment and expect to get in..I scheduled you at this time because there wasn't anything available 25 mins earlier...Im not doing this to (ear muffs grandma) fuck with you, or make your life a living hell. I am a nice girl most of the time unless you really piss me off, then i would have no reason to intentionally screw you over and schedule your acupuncture face lift treatment at the same time little billy and cindy lou get out of piano practice.....Some people walk in past me like they own the place and make a bee line right to the rooms. ???????? When the hell did that become acceptable? They are also vetoing my cancellation policy for the new year. 24 hour notice or you receive at $20.00 penalty fee. Well....to start off when that sign went up it cause a HUGE uproar..
"what if there is to much snow on the ground" " I get headaches out of nowhere" "what if the car breaks down" what if.... what if..... what if..... anything short of a death in the family you will be charged. Sorry about it, folks....life's hard wear a helmet.


It feels nice getting that off my chest...

Friday, January 18, 2008

Hello Clarice....

Flipping A man.......

You know how I have told you all about my crazy fridays here at work, well this friday just got taken to whole new level...

I got a phone call about 20mins ago from a women saying she was a PSYCHOTHEREPIST....(great) yea so ok thats all well and find if you wanna help out all those crazys running around.....She tells me that she has a patient that could benifit from acupuncture....hmmm ok...she would like to set an appointment up for her patient to come down.

I refrain back to my classic deer in the headlights speechless look....."....." "could you hang on one moment I have another call I will be right back"
I now look like a crazy running down the hall looking for joe to see what he thinks....and in classic joe fashion...."HAHAHAHAHAH dat funny...you so funny...hahahaha you cracka me up"

"joe, this is serious this is not just some normal crazy person..this is ceritfiable kookoo"
"hahaha ash-a-lee you so funny...its ok i wil help him tell him to come tonight"

Does joe get that this person could be a real whackadoo? I don't think he gets it..im sick of dealing with crazys I dont need another one on my hands. so I get back to my desk pick up the phone. "Dr. thanks for holding, I can see your patient at 3:00 today. Is there anything we need to do to prepare for his visit??" "oh thats wonderful, nope nothing at all. I will have him escorted down then thanks for all your help...."
....CLICK.....
did she say escorted? holy crap batman...hannibal will be arriving in the office in less then an hour.....so to prepare, what measures have I taken you may ask yourself. I called my MOM. Her advice....."watch your fingers"
Thanks mom. Thanks a lot.

PLease do not for one second think that I make this shiz-nit up, because I don't..I wish things got that boring around here...I tell it like it is.
Hey Hey Heyyyyy

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Queen Geek of all the land

So today I found out Joe (the boss man) is Mongolian.......this explains a lot of his crazy outbursts and the intense amount of passion he uses when he speaks.

I was designing the new brochures for us today to go to the printer Monday...Yea I had a few months to do it but procrastinating is just my style. Its crunch time and I am really cranking out a nice little unit, when he walks up to me and says..( you have to envision it with the thick Chinese accent)
"You a geek yeah?!"
me- ".........." blinks a few times....."uhh what?"
Joe- " haha you know computer stuff you a geek right, you know the computer talk"
me- (I was so appauld) "No,.. Joe I am not a geek,"
Joe- " but you can do amazing things with all your computer talk that is a geek yeah, is that not right word geek"
me - " stop calling me a geek!"......."the right thing to say is that I am queen fixer upper girl of all things in this office"
Joe-"...." blinks....."hahahhaaha you a funny queen of geeks hahahaha"
me-" yeah, Joe I'm queen of the geeks of all the land..."

I will probably get all kinds of hate mail from real geeks out there now. I am not saying being a geek is bad its just not for me. I am not posing as a geek, I have never claimed to be or tried to be one. so again no mean mail please, i support the geeks. They always fixed my computers and hooked me up with cracked programs.

I bet your boss doesn't call you a Geek.............
I should tell human resources about this....wait thats me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I use to watch supermarket sweep....

ME and My roomie venture off grocery shopping for the second time together....I generally go alone and do it. I find it ends up being much cheaper this way.

1:30pm we enter the giant...hungry (bad idea)

Cost is never an issue to Dave when it comes to his food. It seems like whenever we enter a grocery store he morphs into a small child...he sees what he wants makes a loud oooh sound and books down the isle to the first box of Chocolate cocoa turn your milk into fudge that may cause a diabetic coma cereal...Now you see here I was raised on cheerios wheetabix apple jacks and sometimes fruit loops only sometimes. So I get my box of wheetabix he gets his "cereal" and all is well on the home front, until......We find ourselves standing in front of a sea of garbage bags not knowing what to do next...first off 6.00$ for garbage bags...$6.00 for something for me to stick trash in? I just don't get it, and did you know you cannot buy black bags for garbage... that was a 15min debate in the isle because I was all "The garbage men don't care what color your trash bags are"
and he was " Yes, yes they do they wont take it cuz they cant see whats in it." He won that great debate. There were so many other kinds to choose from. You have your standard bags, you got your supreme 20 gallon bags, flex force bags you can put a piano in. With handles/ without, & scented the list went on and on. In the end I opted to just take a roll from work. There was just to much pressure on me to commit to one type of bag.
Finishing up our trip in the frozen food isle....we realize that our cart cannot hold anything else literally. I felt like Hansel and Gretel leaving trail of kool-aid packets, and granola bars behind us as we ventured threw the isles. I suggest that we hit the check out and get outta here....but he wants to get another cart. WHAT? umm no way buddy this is probably like $250.00 in groceries right here lets just bounce before our check does. He is standing there looking at me like I have just run over his puppy or something. "but, but frozen food is my favorite food" he manages to get out before weeping openly next to the display of fish sticks.Fine i said get a few things that you will have to carry . "SCORE!" and he runs down the isle like a chipmunk foraging for berries but in this case its mini pizzas, hot pockets, tater tots and tv dinners (YUCK). Im stressing that we just have spent a small fortune on groceries where he stops in the middle of the isle and looks at me so sincere and says "babe...I use to watch a lot of supermarket sweep, right here were looking at $125.00 tops. I am really an expert when it comes to food. I wonder if that show is still running I should go on it. "
"okay....you go with your bad self David rrrr"

We get to the check out and he is standing there with this dopey grin on his face looking at the register watching the total climb and peak towards $125.00......all together it ended up being $139.00 it was pretty close....not the sky high bill i was expecting. (you also have to consider we haven't gotten groceries in like 3 weeks) we start loading up the car and he goes "I'm hungry feel like some BK (burger king)...." "no you have 5lb bag of fish sticks and enough pizza rolls to last a year. "

3:45 we arrive home still hungry..... I think I will continue doing the shopping while he is at work. Im just thankful it was not free sample day...wheewww

Checc it out

The Moldy Peaches - Anyone else but you New song Im digging. download it give it a listen to you may be pleasently suprised.

Monday, January 14, 2008

For the Love of God..

I'm sitting here at work minding my own business ( hard to believe, but yes, I am)
When in the distance I hear someone in a room screaming my name ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY... It sounds like the fire alarms that use to go off at school....so I very hesitantly get up out of my chair and start down the hall to the room...open the door and ugly fat usually naked dude is laying there on the table begging me to REACH INTO HIS POCKET AND GET HIS KEYS!...*cringggee*
"Uhhhh No, no thank you. no" was my kind reply
" But they are stabbing me in my thigh, and I cant relax. I need your help, just do it we are are all adults."
" NO I'm sorry maybe next time you will remember to take them out, but I do not put my hands in any ones pockets except my own" (or Daves when I go on a quarter hunt for the washing machine)
"ASHLEY, just do it I'm sure you have been asked to do weirder things"
"hmmm....yes but that does not mean I do them. Get comfy and don't think about it. Goodnight"

Now maybe if it were the cute B-sens hockey player that asked me to do I probably would have. But this guy is already on thin ice around here. He comes in with his mommy. and they are always fighting. he has whacked out Norman Bates Freudian issues.

A few weeks ago they were in here and he told me I was being eternally dammed to hell because I am living in sin with my boyfriend and Jesus hates sinners. He also told me about his great cult oohh oops i mean "church" he goes to that specializes in "saving people". He even wrote the directions down and said we could car pool. ohh wouldn't you like that mama's boy. So i politely declined...He just wouldn't let it go. He kept going and going about it....so I may have gone into badger attack mode. After the 100th attempt to sign me up for his cult, no sorry "church" I said " Well maybe I should get a couple WWJD or Jesus Loves me bumper stickers slap them on the back of my car, like you have done and ride off into the sunset....and I will be right with the big man".............. After a few empty blinks and picking up his jaw from the floor he said see you next Monday same time. Looking forward to it...

Monday, January 7, 2008

Family Affair

On a serious note....

Things with my Dad are shitty they have been shitty for a looong time. We don't really talk, and that's not my fault. I tried. I tried many times. I eventually got sick and tired of trying to get my dad to like me. I thought that was something that got embedded into you when you become a parent, your suppose to like your kid, and want to be there for them. I have been able to cope with the fact things are not like that for us, and now i just kind of accept it. I know he loves me, I think that its in there somewhere. He would never wish me any ill will and I would never ever do that to him. I think that he is coming to realize that things are so far gone for us and he doesn't know what to do to fix it. I would like to think that he does want a relationship with me. I am usually ok with how things are between us. Well not ok but I can deal with it. Except for now....He is having heart problems and has had very minor heart attacks but now he apparently needs bi-pass surgery.
( I say apparently because he is the most honest person, and he does or says things to get a reaction out of people..usually to make them feel sorry for him. I don't feed into this kind of thing anymore. He can be very manipulative when it comes to the people in my family. Which is so crappy to say but its true. Its also really crappy that I don't no if I believe him about the surgery. I may come off to you as some ungrateful bitch. but you do not know me or the situation I have been in. )
If this is as serious as it sounds then I really do hope that he can receive the care that he needs to better himself. I don't want anything to ever happen to him. I just want to know he is there and he is okay. I would like to eventually try again with my dad. Just not now. Just not because its a holiday birthday or anything. It will have to be my own terms. before we try to reconcile some kind of relationship again. He would have to get some serious help for himself. physically and mentally. Because my head still hurts from repeatedly running into that brick wall.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaaaack...

Where to begin...there has been a lot going on lately...
New Position-- I hold the power now...well kind of I am now in charge of my little little office here...so what does that mean? you better be nice to me goddamn it or else I could do something...
I also have my very own big girl apartment....whom I co habitat with my honey bun, David RRRRR...yes he does sometimes think he is a pirate, but that is ok becasue our apartment is half his. So when he decides to let his inner pirate out he goes to his half of the house...and all is well.
I take great pride in the fact my first apartment is very nice and nothing that would resemble a crack house like many peoples first apartment. I am very lucky. It also smells really good inside, but seriously i cannot express how yummy it smells inside....I know you personally may not care what my house smells like, but if you were to ever come over you would really appreciate the fact that it does.

Happy New Year! I hope "08" is better then "07" for me and you both.

I have so much i want to post I've got some good material for the upcoming week.......so stay tuned!