Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Death of a Salesmen

The local News paper can take there adds and shove them up there ass as far as I am concerned. They are so pushy and I so easily take the bait, and they have figured it out. They have been praying on me like a a big mean shark and a cute little baby seal. I was literally hiding from them today... I walked out to my car to go pick up lunch...and the pushy salesmen dude was sitting there in his little green caviler...he didn't notice me, sweet. But then I panicked got out of my car, because I thought he would see me in my car and get out and try and corner me. I also didn't want him knowing what type of car I drive.....he had to of seen me get out though, now that I think about it I must have looked like an idiot...I totally played it off like ohh mann I forgot my keys I better run back inside and fetch them... So I slipped through the back jack...and conveniently timed it so I went out the back door again as he came in the front...while all this was going down Joe was sitting at his desk asking me "what da hell is going on???" "Are you back yet u have my peperchonie pizza.. dat was fast" and I was all "SHHHHHhhhhhhh boss man quiet down" then I popped out the back door at the precise moment he entered the front...Joe almost blew my cover opening the door and yelling to me why you runn Ash-a-ree??? I then got to my car put it in reverse and started to back out of the parking lot ALL OF A SUDDEN (DA DA DAAAAAA) The Garbage Men Stopped right at the end of the parking lot blocking the driveway...I was in Ashley fashion, I got out of the car walked my self right up to that stinky truck and told them to move it. Just as I pulled out he came strolling out and waved me over...I pretended like my phone rang and didn't notice him AH HA! Ashley 1 Salesmen 0...... Maybe next time buddy, but not today.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Papa's Got A Brand New Bag

-----Conversation with my roomie last night after he got home from work-------

Him " Whats all this crap" (referring to all the "crap" I had boughten earlier that night while he was at work...he he he)

Me "Oh just some more stuff I unpacked"

Him "YOu went shopping, this is new stuff....look this is still in plastic "

Me ".................."

Him " we dont need anymore crap"

me "this isn't crap its stuff I have had a wicked long, that thing in plastic was from christmas, it was a present"

him " ohh well its nice"

......he goes in the kitchen and starts to make something to eat and all of a sudden lets out a boysterous " AH my ass, here is the box that UGLY mirror came in and more pastic from that new whatever that funky thing is...u are a pathalogical liar"

Me" Oh yea maybe i did buy that stuff....I forgot...Love ya Babe"

Him " think u know a make me some food woman"


just DANCE!

Dance Dance Revolution 2 is taking over my life. I am addicted. I can't get enough of this game. I am a Dancing fool, and proud of it. Saturday night started it off when we had an OLD SCHOOL DANCE OFF... let me just tell you... it was even more fun then it sounds. I will be uploading some video I took. Dave kicked my ass...I just don't have the coordination I guess. I also was trying so hard not to pee my pants from laughing....this could have thrown my game off a bit. SO Sunday I had Dan (my brother) come over and see if he was up to the challenge... He beat me to.. BUT, when it comes to speed and agility.......I'm the champ...I dance DANCED to the bangles walk like an Egyptian (don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) I did all the steps in 30seconds.......I set a goddamn world record with that one. They should put me in the Guinness book. So for all of you out there I dare triple dog dare you to a dance DANCE challenge and try and beat my time.

Friday, January 25, 2008

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means bitches!

I can't seem to get any respect around here from the patients. Did they forget who I am, I'm the GODDAMN OFFICE MANAGER thats who I am bitches. Mannnnn, You can clearly see that I am on the phone with a patient, billing another one right infront of me, and taking Joes lunch order is it really necessary to be standing there next to me going "ashley Ashley ASHLEYYYY!" For the love of god. You people are not small children. I am not your mommy, you don't need me to hold your hand so go sit down and wait your turn, and maybe if your good I will give you a gold star for the day....... I also love the ones that will stand there and stare you down until you acknowledge them, even though you are with someone else at that particular moment. Then you have the huffer and puffers, "Huhhhhhhhhhhh......SIghhhhhhhh.....errrrrrr" Hmmm maybe I should start mimicking them so they can see how foolish they really look. If you are so busy in your life that you cannot take 30 secs to sit down, you should reevaluate some things. I am so sorry that you have shown up 25mins before your appointment and expect to get in..I scheduled you at this time because there wasn't anything available 25 mins earlier...Im not doing this to (ear muffs grandma) fuck with you, or make your life a living hell. I am a nice girl most of the time unless you really piss me off, then i would have no reason to intentionally screw you over and schedule your acupuncture face lift treatment at the same time little billy and cindy lou get out of piano practice.....Some people walk in past me like they own the place and make a bee line right to the rooms. ???????? When the hell did that become acceptable? They are also vetoing my cancellation policy for the new year. 24 hour notice or you receive at $20.00 penalty fee. start off when that sign went up it cause a HUGE uproar..
"what if there is to much snow on the ground" " I get headaches out of nowhere" "what if the car breaks down" what if.... what if..... what if..... anything short of a death in the family you will be charged. Sorry about it,'s hard wear a helmet.

It feels nice getting that off my chest...

Friday, January 18, 2008

Hello Clarice....

Flipping A man.......

You know how I have told you all about my crazy fridays here at work, well this friday just got taken to whole new level...

I got a phone call about 20mins ago from a women saying she was a PSYCHOTHEREPIST....(great) yea so ok thats all well and find if you wanna help out all those crazys running around.....She tells me that she has a patient that could benifit from acupuncture....hmmm ok...she would like to set an appointment up for her patient to come down.

I refrain back to my classic deer in the headlights speechless look....."....." "could you hang on one moment I have another call I will be right back"
I now look like a crazy running down the hall looking for joe to see what he thinks....and in classic joe fashion...."HAHAHAHAHAH dat so funny...hahahaha you cracka me up"

"joe, this is serious this is not just some normal crazy person..this is ceritfiable kookoo"
"hahaha ash-a-lee you so funny...its ok i wil help him tell him to come tonight"

Does joe get that this person could be a real whackadoo? I don't think he gets sick of dealing with crazys I dont need another one on my hands. so I get back to my desk pick up the phone. "Dr. thanks for holding, I can see your patient at 3:00 today. Is there anything we need to do to prepare for his visit??" "oh thats wonderful, nope nothing at all. I will have him escorted down then thanks for all your help...."
did she say escorted? holy crap batman...hannibal will be arriving in the office in less then an to prepare, what measures have I taken you may ask yourself. I called my MOM. Her advice....."watch your fingers"
Thanks mom. Thanks a lot.

PLease do not for one second think that I make this shiz-nit up, because I don't..I wish things got that boring around here...I tell it like it is.
Hey Hey Heyyyyy

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Queen Geek of all the land

So today I found out Joe (the boss man) is Mongolian.......this explains a lot of his crazy outbursts and the intense amount of passion he uses when he speaks.

I was designing the new brochures for us today to go to the printer Monday...Yea I had a few months to do it but procrastinating is just my style. Its crunch time and I am really cranking out a nice little unit, when he walks up to me and says..( you have to envision it with the thick Chinese accent)
"You a geek yeah?!"
me- ".........." blinks a few times....."uhh what?"
Joe- " haha you know computer stuff you a geek right, you know the computer talk"
me- (I was so appauld) "No,.. Joe I am not a geek,"
Joe- " but you can do amazing things with all your computer talk that is a geek yeah, is that not right word geek"
me - " stop calling me a geek!"......."the right thing to say is that I am queen fixer upper girl of all things in this office"
Joe-"...." blinks....."hahahhaaha you a funny queen of geeks hahahaha"
me-" yeah, Joe I'm queen of the geeks of all the land..."

I will probably get all kinds of hate mail from real geeks out there now. I am not saying being a geek is bad its just not for me. I am not posing as a geek, I have never claimed to be or tried to be one. so again no mean mail please, i support the geeks. They always fixed my computers and hooked me up with cracked programs.

I bet your boss doesn't call you a Geek.............
I should tell human resources about this....wait thats me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I use to watch supermarket sweep....

ME and My roomie venture off grocery shopping for the second time together....I generally go alone and do it. I find it ends up being much cheaper this way.

1:30pm we enter the giant...hungry (bad idea)

Cost is never an issue to Dave when it comes to his food. It seems like whenever we enter a grocery store he morphs into a small child...he sees what he wants makes a loud oooh sound and books down the isle to the first box of Chocolate cocoa turn your milk into fudge that may cause a diabetic coma cereal...Now you see here I was raised on cheerios wheetabix apple jacks and sometimes fruit loops only sometimes. So I get my box of wheetabix he gets his "cereal" and all is well on the home front, until......We find ourselves standing in front of a sea of garbage bags not knowing what to do next...first off 6.00$ for garbage bags...$6.00 for something for me to stick trash in? I just don't get it, and did you know you cannot buy black bags for garbage... that was a 15min debate in the isle because I was all "The garbage men don't care what color your trash bags are"
and he was " Yes, yes they do they wont take it cuz they cant see whats in it." He won that great debate. There were so many other kinds to choose from. You have your standard bags, you got your supreme 20 gallon bags, flex force bags you can put a piano in. With handles/ without, & scented the list went on and on. In the end I opted to just take a roll from work. There was just to much pressure on me to commit to one type of bag.
Finishing up our trip in the frozen food isle....we realize that our cart cannot hold anything else literally. I felt like Hansel and Gretel leaving trail of kool-aid packets, and granola bars behind us as we ventured threw the isles. I suggest that we hit the check out and get outta here....but he wants to get another cart. WHAT? umm no way buddy this is probably like $250.00 in groceries right here lets just bounce before our check does. He is standing there looking at me like I have just run over his puppy or something. "but, but frozen food is my favorite food" he manages to get out before weeping openly next to the display of fish sticks.Fine i said get a few things that you will have to carry . "SCORE!" and he runs down the isle like a chipmunk foraging for berries but in this case its mini pizzas, hot pockets, tater tots and tv dinners (YUCK). Im stressing that we just have spent a small fortune on groceries where he stops in the middle of the isle and looks at me so sincere and says "babe...I use to watch a lot of supermarket sweep, right here were looking at $125.00 tops. I am really an expert when it comes to food. I wonder if that show is still running I should go on it. "
" go with your bad self David rrrr"

We get to the check out and he is standing there with this dopey grin on his face looking at the register watching the total climb and peak towards $125.00......all together it ended up being $139.00 it was pretty close....not the sky high bill i was expecting. (you also have to consider we haven't gotten groceries in like 3 weeks) we start loading up the car and he goes "I'm hungry feel like some BK (burger king)...." "no you have 5lb bag of fish sticks and enough pizza rolls to last a year. "

3:45 we arrive home still hungry..... I think I will continue doing the shopping while he is at work. Im just thankful it was not free sample day...wheewww

Checc it out

The Moldy Peaches - Anyone else but you New song Im digging. download it give it a listen to you may be pleasently suprised.

Monday, January 14, 2008

For the Love of God..

I'm sitting here at work minding my own business ( hard to believe, but yes, I am)
When in the distance I hear someone in a room screaming my name ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY... It sounds like the fire alarms that use to go off at I very hesitantly get up out of my chair and start down the hall to the the door and ugly fat usually naked dude is laying there on the table begging me to REACH INTO HIS POCKET AND GET HIS KEYS!...*cringggee*
"Uhhhh No, no thank you. no" was my kind reply
" But they are stabbing me in my thigh, and I cant relax. I need your help, just do it we are are all adults."
" NO I'm sorry maybe next time you will remember to take them out, but I do not put my hands in any ones pockets except my own" (or Daves when I go on a quarter hunt for the washing machine)
"ASHLEY, just do it I'm sure you have been asked to do weirder things"
"hmmm....yes but that does not mean I do them. Get comfy and don't think about it. Goodnight"

Now maybe if it were the cute B-sens hockey player that asked me to do I probably would have. But this guy is already on thin ice around here. He comes in with his mommy. and they are always fighting. he has whacked out Norman Bates Freudian issues.

A few weeks ago they were in here and he told me I was being eternally dammed to hell because I am living in sin with my boyfriend and Jesus hates sinners. He also told me about his great cult oohh oops i mean "church" he goes to that specializes in "saving people". He even wrote the directions down and said we could car pool. ohh wouldn't you like that mama's boy. So i politely declined...He just wouldn't let it go. He kept going and going about I may have gone into badger attack mode. After the 100th attempt to sign me up for his cult, no sorry "church" I said " Well maybe I should get a couple WWJD or Jesus Loves me bumper stickers slap them on the back of my car, like you have done and ride off into the sunset....and I will be right with the big man".............. After a few empty blinks and picking up his jaw from the floor he said see you next Monday same time. Looking forward to it...

Monday, January 7, 2008

Family Affair

On a serious note....

Things with my Dad are shitty they have been shitty for a looong time. We don't really talk, and that's not my fault. I tried. I tried many times. I eventually got sick and tired of trying to get my dad to like me. I thought that was something that got embedded into you when you become a parent, your suppose to like your kid, and want to be there for them. I have been able to cope with the fact things are not like that for us, and now i just kind of accept it. I know he loves me, I think that its in there somewhere. He would never wish me any ill will and I would never ever do that to him. I think that he is coming to realize that things are so far gone for us and he doesn't know what to do to fix it. I would like to think that he does want a relationship with me. I am usually ok with how things are between us. Well not ok but I can deal with it. Except for now....He is having heart problems and has had very minor heart attacks but now he apparently needs bi-pass surgery.
( I say apparently because he is the most honest person, and he does or says things to get a reaction out of people..usually to make them feel sorry for him. I don't feed into this kind of thing anymore. He can be very manipulative when it comes to the people in my family. Which is so crappy to say but its true. Its also really crappy that I don't no if I believe him about the surgery. I may come off to you as some ungrateful bitch. but you do not know me or the situation I have been in. )
If this is as serious as it sounds then I really do hope that he can receive the care that he needs to better himself. I don't want anything to ever happen to him. I just want to know he is there and he is okay. I would like to eventually try again with my dad. Just not now. Just not because its a holiday birthday or anything. It will have to be my own terms. before we try to reconcile some kind of relationship again. He would have to get some serious help for himself. physically and mentally. Because my head still hurts from repeatedly running into that brick wall.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaaaack...

Where to begin...there has been a lot going on lately...
New Position-- I hold the power now...well kind of I am now in charge of my little little office what does that mean? you better be nice to me goddamn it or else I could do something...
I also have my very own big girl apartment....whom I co habitat with my honey bun, David RRRRR...yes he does sometimes think he is a pirate, but that is ok becasue our apartment is half his. So when he decides to let his inner pirate out he goes to his half of the house...and all is well.
I take great pride in the fact my first apartment is very nice and nothing that would resemble a crack house like many peoples first apartment. I am very lucky. It also smells really good inside, but seriously i cannot express how yummy it smells inside....I know you personally may not care what my house smells like, but if you were to ever come over you would really appreciate the fact that it does.

Happy New Year! I hope "08" is better then "07" for me and you both.

I have so much i want to post I've got some good material for the upcoming stay tuned!