Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Happy Hump Day

Today has felt a little like Christmas around here..... The elderly man with dementia was humming jingle bells while he waited patiently for his wife during treatment....During this time he wished me a merry christmas 4 times, Let out 2 Ho ho ho *hack hack cough*, and a felize navidad. I had to humor this man...No one else does they all tell him he is crazy...So after every "Merry Christmas" I kindly replied with " SAme to you , or happy kwanza" just to mix it up a little. Adding to the Christmas spirit I recieved a few gifts today.....

2 VIP tickets to the special olympics
1 banana cream pie
1 mini rose bush
1 pair gardening gloves
3 green peace bumper stickers
1 choclate cupcake
1 pen with my name on it

and a partridge in a pair tree.

Don't least the old lady stopped bringing in tubes of lube for me......ughhhhhhh funky.

Monday, April 21, 2008


Over the weekend my roomie and I went out to find a companion for our aka willy aka Pedro aka why don't you like me you goddamn fish stop swimming away from me.

We went to Petsmart..I usually enjoy this fine pet establishment...its clean the people are nice and the animals seem pretty happy and healthy. While we were in the fish section trying to scope out the perfect little buddy for our lonely fish at home...We finally came upon a very cute baby goldfish that was all orange with fins that looked like they were dipped in black paint on the tips. We found a girl that worked there to help us snag the little bugger. But before she even asked us which one we were bombarded with a million questions....

" Do you know a gold fish is related to a carp fish"

-why yes in fact i did....did you know they were domesticated in china and they evolved from a carp like a million years ago....take that fish lady

"Do you have an aerator" (why yes, yes i do)

"Well do you know what it does"

- Well I believe it makes bubbles in the water so our fine finned friend can breathe

This is when I start to loose patients.

"Well do you know they need 20 gallons per fish to survive"

bitch give me my god damn fish..... Is what I should have said but instead I replied with I had 2 gold fish a bowl WITHOUT an aerator and they lasted forever it was when I put them in a larger tank with an AERATOR that they died.

"Well congratulations".

It then turned into a 30 second stair down with her and I....Dave remained at my side laughing hysterical at the unbelievable display before his eyes.....I then pointed at the fish I wanted and said " I want THIS fish". So she read in and grabbed it put it in a bag handed it to me and said "Good luck".....after I paid for my little fishy and was walking out Dave said " You should have asked them how they can have 25 goldfish in a 10 gallon tank WITH AN AERATOR. I was so pissed he didn't bring that up earlier. Anyways we got him into his new home and renamed the old fish Simon and the new fish Garfunkel. We have recently come to the conclusion that they may in fact need a bigger tank...but I will be dammed if I go back to the fish department at Petsmart.

Friday, April 18, 2008

me me meeeeee

A little diddy I wrote my honey bun....

If I were a cookie then, you’d be my chip,
If you were a chip then I’d be your dip,
If you were the spring ,
then I know I’d be the rain
If you were a glove
I’d be your big ball of love

All I want is you, will you be my guy
I promise this is not another lie
All I want is you, will you be my guy
Take my hand in yours and lets learn how to fly

If you were the early bird, Id always be your worm,
Our love has no boundaries it doesn’t have terms
If I was a tub of popcorn you’d be my butter
The love I have for you make my stomach flutter
If you were a ice cream, then I’d be your sprinkles
If you were a star I’d be the twinkle

All I want is you, will be my guy
I promise this is not another lie
All I want is you, will you be my guy
Take my hand in yours and lets learn how to fly

If you were firefly then I’ll be your jar
Keeping you close so you don’t get to far
If you were a tree then I’ll be your leaves
Keeping you cool like a warm summers breeze
If you were the sea, then I’d be the waves
I’ll just be your Ashley, and you be my Dave

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Golden Years??--- My Ass

If you have read my blog before you understand the fact that I get my fair share of craziness on a daily basis...Today's craziness comes from the old fogey community. Here are a few snippets of my conversations with them today......

9 am with Helen.

H- "I can't Make my appointment today, I'm sick"

Me- " Sorry to hear that I hope that I hope your okay"

H- "Well sweetheart I got 2 pairs of underwear on, because the diarrhea is so bad. On top of that I keep UPCHUCKING all over the house."

Me- "........" " Uhhh.... ..... Feel better BYE"

( To get the real essence of my conversation with bob you have got to picture the tiniest little white haired man with a booming southern twang...)

B - "SO I done can't go out walkin no more. Due to this here leg of mine."

Me- (Let me start by saying Bob had'nt said a word to me since he had gotten here..40 mins ago and comes out of left field with this interesting convo)
" Well bob, that sucks you should get one of those rascal things. "
B- " I think its a corn that is hurting me.."

Me- " .........hmmm...ouch"

B - " Actually the foot man said that it is my bone sticking out through the bottom wanna take a gander"

Me ( trying not to "upchuck") "Bob you need to keep your foot in your shoe away from me on the other side of the counter ."

Bob's wife went out shopping after her treatment and left him here....he fell asleep with his mouth wide open...snoring.


Helen called back later in the day to update me? WTF man.

H- " The diarrhea has stopped a little, the Upchucking is still pretty nasty"

Me- ".................(ughhh) Well maybe you should get off the phone and rest"

H-" Well call me back in a few hours to check on me ok? will you do that? Will you call me back?"

Me- ( is she kidding?....It's the flu lady you made it through the depression a war the 70's I'm sure you will survive a stomach bug)....I will have the doc give ya a call in a bit...."

Joe can handle this one for a while.

Lastly john

J-" You watch 60 mins"

ME-"ehh sometimes why..." (why...always my first mistake)

J-" Andy Rooney can go and shove something up his you know what"

Me- whheeww oh no you didn't......