Monday, November 12, 2007

and the mother of the year award goes to....

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said NO NO NO....

Can we say crackhead.
I hate cannot trust them, they will inevitably steal your stuff
and then sell it for crack. I've seen it happen a million times
well...not in person, but I've seen my fair share
of crackheads..anyway just a quick 30 second rant on crackheads
and a priceless pic of miss Britney.
(Brit should ask Santa for some cover girl, and a pair of undies this year)

Friday, November 9, 2007

In the spirt of giving

(ear muffs grandma)
I have just got myself some new backup here at work for when things get out of hand...
His name is ronnie...he carrys a chainsaw and is so badass. He will keep all of you crazys away from me..well hopefully a few.

I have been getting some odd presents around here lately
Today someone tried to give me a piano..Before that a patient was bringing me some homeade wine. Well it appread to be wine it was red and in a wine bottle, but it had some strange foriegn objects floating in it (mmmmm tastey), and an aroma that resembled something like an asian nail salon. Last week an old lady gave Therese (aka Marie Barone) some lube, and not this kind that goes in a car...well Therese turned around and re gifted it to me (how thoughful) ...well today the same old lady gave me a bottle. Now I ask you this, Where is this 90 year old lady getting all this lube from. Second, why does she feel a need to hand it out like candy on halloween. Last but not least, what must the cashier at the store be thinking seeing this 90 yr old lady coming in buying lube on a daily basis. Just something to ponder.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Crazies, & Crackheads, & Bookies OH MY!!!

Just your average Friday around here...

You've got your run of the mill crazy people, crackheads across the way, and bookies on the phone.
Friday tends to be the day when the proverbial shit hits the fan. It always starts with a crazy person not so much a crackhead...but oh no not today. Mercedes Man from across the way was parked in the parking lot, let me start off by saying he has been warned before..Therese a.k.a Marie Barone decided one day to block him in his spot with her car and Joe's truck...this did not stop him...he somehow got in how he got inside we will never know.. but one thing I do know is, you cant trust a crackhead. But don't get me started on those crackheads I left a nasty note on his car. Out of the corner of my eye I see him watching me put it on, and then started walking towards me.."AHH!" I said, and ran inside like a little school girl...this all comes back to my theory of you cannot trust a crackhead..I didn't no what he was going to do/say to me so in my fight or flight response I flew..and I'm ok with that, not ashamed one bit.
A few hours later...
A bookie calls for the boss (how mafia-esk does that sound) and i did my standard..
"He is not available at the moment, can i take a message?"
"just put him on the phone, I know he is there"
me-"UMmmm...he really isn't here"
"Fine i will get in touch with him later...CLICK."
These guys mean business..I don't want to piss them off, because i really like my kneecaps and plan on keeping them..
I have my far share of crazy people on a daily basis (please see Wednesdays blog), but because it is Friday there always seems to be a few of the real good ones thrown in the in particular is now crossing from the harmless crazy side, over yonder to the 5th floor harmful crazies. I try and keep my distance, but since I'm a big giant *crazy magnet* they find me. She now has started to be sweet as sugar to everyone one else, but when we are alone (which i try to make sure never happens) The craziness lets loose and she goes off on these rambles that make no sense to anyone, not even herself so she inevitably ends up smacking her self in the side of the was one of those moments...and again I refrain back to my classic deer in the headlights looked contemplating weather or not I speak or stay really quiet while still hoping that she doesn't see me, and goes away..

Thursday, October 25, 2007


A little peak into my evening..

I come home and its pitch black, so dark it was probably lighter outside.
Me: "Show yourself dammit, come out, man up...ok I'm sorry it was all my fault I will tell you what you want to know...come on pleaseeeee"( i didn't do anything i tend to crack under pressure)

......silence me in the dark............

ME: "ok guys not funny anymore........I'M afraid of the dark...COME OUT!!!"

...................Lights all come back on......circuit breaker tripped and everything including the stove gets shut off........

Me: "uhhh"

Yes I'm 21yrs old, and afraid of the dark...I'm also afraid of ghosts...the 2 go hand in hand it just makes sense to be afraid of both....

How i got roped into this is beyond me I had nothing to do with the antics of tonight..the lesson Daniel (my brother) has learned...

dont screw with momma.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Please forgive me but...

Stop Talking!...I wish I could say this to people without looking like a complete and total bitch.
There are some people out there that are 100% okay with telling you every intimate detail of their life. I'm sorry but eww lady I DO NOT want to hear about your affair with the trucker down in PA, and how his "lovin" makes your skin tingle for days...ew ew ew fun-kay. Ugh, seriously, stop talking...Apparently I am some kind of magnet to these "people". When in your odd shaped little head did it seem totally normal to blurt out the fact that
"Hey last weekend we meet up at our spot and that truck was a rockin, and I got some great shots with my new digital camera!" (EWW!!) this point I have put on my imaginary ear muffs over my ears scanning my desk for an object I could quickly and painlessly end my life at that particular moment.

Whyyy are you still talking lady? Just stop, save yourself the embarrassment. The most insane part of this is, it's nothing out of the norm for her it is not embarrassing nor is it considered poor taste...eww she is still talking...If she talks to me like this could you imagine what she may discuss with her co-workers, or a hair dresser for that matter....

I think she has stopped..and now I am sitting here like a deer in the headlights racking my brain with something to reply to all this......

A fake cheesy grin and.. "Will it be Cash Check or Charge?"

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

brake, Brake, BRRRAKKEEE!!!!

Teaching Daniel(my brother) how to drive....Wouldn't it be stellar if the passenger side of the car had a brake peddle....Well it would have came in handy today.....I don't know why he finds it necessary to brake at the LAST possible second before coming up to a vehicle...You see, before he was slamming on the breaks when a car 2 blocks ahead of us was making a right turn. Of course I then had to open up my big mouth and told him to stop breaking. I seriously didn'nt think that he would take it literally and not stop until our bumper was kissing the ass end of every Soccer mom out there...

As a result of this I look like a crazy person in the passenger seat stomping my foot on the floor of the car where my "imagenary brake peddle" is....

So when all of you out there in blogger land are saying your prayers tonight to little baby jesus, ALah, buddah, whoever....say a little prayer for poor @shley out there.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Hands off ladies he's all mine

So when they say that "The honey moons over" they mean it....Fast forward 5 1/2 years & it's way out the door...

We get into bed and my first mistake last night was......
Merely saying "Honey bun I'm freezing"

He replied with.....

"Oh really i can take care of that"

And all of a sudden a rumble that could be heard ricashaing through the hills erupted in my bedroom...that sound you guessed it a monstrous fart that my man let rip..

"OH MY GODDD!!!!!!!!! why did you do that"

"Oh that I call it a little global warming...don't you feel better, didn't it warm the bed can feel the difference can't you. No need to thank me babe, anytime"

"Well the next time you feel a little global warming coming on give me a warning to prepare"

Oh yes ladies he is all mine...

Friday, October 19, 2007

Son of a Bitch Ass Toeeee........

Son of a bitch ass TOEEEEEeeeeee.............. Can be heard lingering throughout my house daily... I have a problem. I'm a chronic toe stubber/breaker/basher/smasher any way you say it i beat the living crap out of my poor piggies daily. It isn't even on purpose. I'm such a klutz and extremely accident prone( i get this from my momma, this women was putting dishes away and cut her self with a spoon).

I have broken both big toes...1 due to a hard core stubbing during double overtime beerpong and the other well due to my own stupidity.....trying to kick your brother in (ear muffs grandma) the twig and berries not so smart, because inevitably he will try and block you with his boulder like kneecaps resulting in a painful embarrassing break....try explaining that one to the doctor and the 3 other nurses he brings in to hear the story..Good one

I have kiddie toes on my grown up feet its bizarre and yes there will be a picture to come.... stay tuned

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Long time no post

I'am Baaaaccckkkk.........................

It has been many days since my last post. THe reason for this is simple....I got yelled at by my grandma for it......apparently Edward forty hands didn't sound appealing to her....Stunned I know, so was I. Posts will return to a regular basis

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Oh happy Day

8:00am I'm on my way to the Dentist. Well to get technical endodontics office. So I'm sitting in the Dr. office waiting for the dreaded root canal..and they slip this little thing over my nose.....sweet sweet Jesus...It is like all my cares float out the big bay window in front of me..what may you ask is causing my abnormally happy pleasent mood......the laughing gas...its a beautiful time you are at the dentist give it a can thank me later...never again will you care that a strange man (my new dentisit) having his chuby little hand crammed in your mouth whistling as he drills into you gums......oh happy day!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Cottage anticts

Edwards 40 Hands:
Also known as 80 Ounces to Freedom or The 40 Challenge. This is a drinking game in which each player duct tapes a 40 oz. bottle of alcohal (usually malt liquor) to each of his or her hands and is not allowed to remove them until they've been consumed. Typically, before the alcohol has been completely ingested, the drinking party will need to urinate, smoke a cigarette, answer a phone call, or something similar, giving each participant an incentive to finish their alcohol as quickly as possible. This often leads to humorous scenes of similarly-handicapped players attempting to unzip others' pants or light cigarettes using teeth, feet, or elbows. It can also be used as a "goal" for the game: to see who can abstain from these activities until they are finished with their drinks.

Yes ladies and Gentlemen it has made it into the Wikipedia....

This was the start to my weekend at the cottage....good times..

Sunday, July 15, 2007


1 bottle of Vodka $26.99

1Bottle Tequila (ole!) $12.47

1 Bottle of the Captain $14.72

2 Buckets of Margatitaville Margarita mix $12.49

Memories at the cottage and friendships that will last forever priceless!

Going up to the cottage for a few days where we will party with my good friend The Captain, and his friends Mr. Smirnoff, the Mexican (Jose Cuervo) and after all this the Dr. may make a few appearance. A guest list to impress tonight.

Yesterday My brother (The ape like one without his license) decided that he had to call into work BECAUSE....he did not have a ride...due to the fact i was asleep and he has learned not to wake me up for this particular reason, but come on are you kidding he still has a job is beyond me..lets get serious for a minute we live on the SAME street he works it's not like next door it is maybe 1/4 of a mile. God for bid Bubba has to walk somewhere. That really annoyed me for some know what i else i hope he is reading this now...ok enough of that off to the cottage at least i miss work for a good reason here...

Friday, July 13, 2007


I work at a Dr.'s office. Well although he is not a Dr. this is an office & he wears a lab coat. Right now you are probably envisioning some strange smelling sleazy looking back alley clinic where crack heads get 2 for 1 deals on happy pills...I promise you this is not like that...We do however sell Happy pills for kids. My boss is from China and works in Chinese medicine. He has a very thick accent with a chronic case of the munchies....So this is how my typical day goes here.....


Joe (this isn't his name just what he likes to be called)

"Hey are you hungry yet" (you must envision this with an accent to get the full effect)


"Nope not yet"

"Yeah me neither"

"I am Starving man, all i can think about is that good pepperchonie"

"it's not even noon and your thinking about pizza your crazy"

"Hahahahahaa ima going to order"

"go with your bad self then Joe"
...30 seconds go by and i hear screams from his office..nothing new but i had to go and investigate...i walk in and he is jumping up and down chanting Pepperchonie Pepper-CHONIEEEEEEEE..i take the phone from Joe and calmly say he would like a pepperoni pizza and hang up.


"I know Joe I Know" as I turn and walk out I hear the faint sound of Chinese cursing lingering in the distance, and cant help but wonder what the hell I have gotten myself into at this place.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Hello is this thing Onn....

I'm @shley I live in NY. Not the Sex and the City kind either. Upstate blahh.... I have a boyfriend named Dave he is wonderful and cute and funny....he can be a stinky cheese head at times..
I have become what I inevitably never wanted to be....a townie. I have had it embedded in me since birth to loathe the "The Suny Kids".Enough of that though.....

My Family consists of an odd bunch...I have an ape like younger brother. He is ape like in a sense that he walks around all chest puffed out gloating in the fact that he towers a foot over me. Nice. He also does not have a drivers license nor a permit for that matter....Jesus Christ he is going to be flippin 19 and his lone means of transportation is us (i.e me and my mom). And don't get me started on the fact that he doesn't ever give me any cash for gas..and when i do ask him because the car is on E and we are coasting down this hill praying to sweet baby Jesus that we don't run out, he reacts like i am asking him to donate a fucking a kidney...I'm like get over it Bubba...this ain't no free ride & go into the "life isn't a free ride speech" that i am entitled to give him becuase of the fact i am older wiser and much more attractive that being said...he once gave me exactly the cost of 1 gallon of gas $2.75...and acted like it was goddamn Armageddon.

My Mom...She is the marshmallow to the this rice krispy treat called life. She holds it all together...most of the time..she does have tendency to reach her breaking point and preforms what we refer to as "The Hockey Move." I personally have never had to endure this. My brother on the other not so lucky. In my moms defense he was being an annoying little bugger that day. So she ran up to him and all I remember was him flinching (that was his first problem) she grabbed his shirt pulled it up over his back onto his head so he was immobile. Then proceeded to Karate chopp him up for a good 2 mins strait..this was a sight. Once free couldn't comprehend what had just hit him and they both fell over laughing hysterically..

Yes this is my family and I do love them.